Me, Myself, and Matt
by CheshireEffect
Summary: This is a segment from the journal of Matt Jeevas. Rated T for language. Please read the Intro or you won't understand anything. AU and Matt-centric.


**This story has been sitting around for a while and is taken from an actual journal entry of mine. I just changed the names and certain events. **

**I do not own Death Note.**

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~Intro~

_This is a segment from the journal of Matt Jeevas. All you need to know is that it is AU and that Mail is Matt from his younger days as a child, Matthew is the name he adopted sometime around grade school and kept up until high school, and Matt is the name he adopted during his two years of public high school. This journal entry picks up a couple months after he starts homeschooling at his mom's request. _

_That is all._

~End Intro~

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Apparently mom is having second thoughts about me being homeschooled. She thinks it's making me a recluse. What a fucking laugh. I was such a fucking recluse before sophomore year I practically didn't exist. Now I'm back to having no friends and never leaving my room unless necessary. I wasn't the one who pulled me out of public schooling though.

Two years of being social butterfly have fucking bulldozed my carefully construct wall of 'Fuck Off'. Dammit I just named my emotional barriers. And you know what; I loved every fucking pathetic second of it. I loved having people talk to me and tell me I was cool. I liked being the go-to person and—dare I fucking say it—popular.

Yes for a measly one and a half years I was popular and it's fucked up my life. I can no longer hide my emotions. I can't forget what it felt like to have someone like me for me. I can't become the fucking emotionless robot that I was before and I fucking hate this person that's commanding my body now. This person that craves friendship and cries when he's sad. Matthew never cried. But Matt does and Matt fucking laps up the fucking attention that he demands by being so fucking great. I hate him, Matt, this person that has utterly snuffed out Matthew.

Matthew wouldn't have given a shit that Mello uses him for fun. Matt doesn't really mind either because he wants the attention that having a fucking friend gives him. He doesn't care if Mello pisses on his emotions because at least that would mean that he has interactions with another person. It's fucking pathetic and Matthew hates it.

Matthew wants to tell Mello to leave him alone and let him be the emotionless sack of shit he was before high school. He wants the nothingness of not caring back but it's gone because he let his walls down. He let people in. That attention slut Matt let someone fuck up the perfect bridge of Black Death that kept others away. And Matthew let him because he thought it would be interesting to see if these new people would play him like everyone else.

If they would abuse him and further crush that dying shred of hope inside that he would ever be loved by someone other than his family. Hell even some of his family hated him.

That dick of a brother for one. He was the one that had made Matthew the fucked up emotionless mess that he was. Had been. Scratch that he was still fucked up. He was still a mess. This time however there was those fucking hated emotions there to complicate shit even more.

But Matthew also had to silently thank his brother Marcus for the mental, emotional, and physical stress the elder boy had leveled at him for ten fucking years of his meaningless life. Because Marcus had created Matthew. He had stripped away the happy sparkly eyed five year old Mail and had replaced him with the genius, emotionally inept Matthew. Now I don't know who I am. Sometimes I'm Mail, the little boy that wants love and approval; that wants to read to his mom and play his games. Because playing video games made him happy, it filled the gap, built a bridge over the fucking chasm of self-loathing that ate him away inside.

Then there was Matt. Fucking mister popular, perfect grades, and will stomp on the shit existence of anyone that denied him happiness. Matt was like Frankenstein. A monster that was built out of pathetic human curiosity and ran wild with Matthew's life until up was down and square was fucking circle. Matt who loved talking and laughed and joked like life was something enjoyable.

Last but not least was Matthew. The emotionless blob of black nothingness that never showed emotion, never wanted love or friendship and scoffed at any attempt at human interaction. Matthew hated Matt and pitied naive Mail. Matthew wanted his life back to what it was before. The timeless worm hole that sucked emotions and color from his world like they were fucking Capri' Suns. Matthew who watched other people show emotion and laughed at how stupid they were, Matthew who secretly found pleasure when his brother's heart was broken after he broke up with his girlfriend. Matthew who was so fucking right and orderly and perfect in a twisted fucked up way.

Matt needed Matthew back to fix the mess he had created of their life. Mail needed Matthew to teach him the failure of want and lead him out of the dark.

But they had all merged into one person, one personality. And he was called Me. Me who had to sort out all the fucked up mess that all three of the others had created.

But Me was a mess himself.

I am a mess. I try to shut out my emotion like Matthew but Matt rips them out again. I try to shy away from human contact but Mail frowns and cries for his mother, for someone to hug. And it's all so fucking fucked up that no one actually sees the metal mess that I've become because all three of Them had become masters at covering what was really inside.

And so I have no one.

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**Sorry to just it off there. That's where the original entry had ended and I didn't want to mess with it. Leave a review if you'd like.**


End file.
